It’s like running away but being unable to move. Like being unable to catch your breath. Like being tied down but still feel weightless. That feeling of wanting to be found like missing puzzle pieces.
I’m here, I exist, I’m feeling the ups and downs. It’s the way it should be. I’m reaching out and living and experiencing. But it’s hard because… There is a feeling of guilt in my heart…
The loneliness just digs deeper and deeper. I surround myself with friends or family but I feel the absence even more when I’m alone. Some days have the illusion of feeling better than others, but I find myself alone in a house that is feeling less and less like home. There are nights where I’m haunted in my sleep by what I’ve gone through and I wake up to darkness. I have no choice but to go back to sleep and fall back into awful dreams. There’s no one to talk it out with, to seek comfort and to ease my mind in the middle of the night. What’s worse is when I’m sick and there’s no one to check on me, to see how I’m doing, to remind me to eat. I take care of me but taking care of me is becoming a challenge. I wish I didn’t have to do it alone. I don’t want to do it alone. I don’t want to be alone. I’m sad now but I know I’ll wake up feeling better tomorrow. Sigh. It’s just hard.
I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
I’m so yours for the taking
Smiling isn’t difficult. Not having you here to smile back at me in those moments is the hardest thing. Life without you isn’t unhappy, but it is lacking something. You. Missing you in every moment <3
Just got a wake up call from the sweetest man I know ❤️ What a way to start the day :)
I’m moving on with my life and becoming the person we both knew I could be. But it hurts like crazy that you’re not here for this, that I can’t share my life with you anymore. Every single day is difficult. The more time that passes the more I feel that loss. I’m so grateful for the time we had together and blessed that our borrowed time spanned 3 years.
In short, I miss you. I’m still hurting.
PS I miss hearing you call me “anak.” I should have cherished the notion so much more. Shortly after you passed away, I used to go through my voicemails and listen to yours. I was lucky enough to find one where you call me “anak.” <3
i was making a lot of mistakes and then my archery instructor said:
“you make mistakes because you’re focusing on the target and not on your actions”
and i was like woah
thanks for giving me the best life advice i’ve ever gotten
guys just think about how applicable this is to EVERYFUCKINGTHING
My Mad Fat Diary timeline ■ September 1996
"We wouldn’t be cute together"
I think that’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told, Alfie.
This bag of popcorn is literally two feet tall…